Things I’d Like To Say To People Who Annoy Me on Facebook, If I Didn’t Have To Apologize Later

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Facebook is amusing. I love it. What I don’t love is the people who are on it. Well, at least some of the people who are on it.

In all honesty, I probably shouldn’t be saying what I’m about to say. Especially since I’ve posted my share of annoying stuff, I readily admit I am guilty. But I can’t help myself. This time, I’ll throw caution to that strong wind I’m imagining is blowing outside my window.

So here is this week’s rant. And please humor me, I’m feeling a wee bit snarky today.

Deep breath. And here we go with my own list of the things I’d like to say to people who annoy me on Facebook, if I didn’t have to apologize for it later.

{You should keep reading. You might agree with one or two…}

 

  • I think you’re pretty, your mother thinks you’re pretty. We don’t need a gazillion photos to keep being reminded of that fact. And an entire album, with seventy-something photos of you pouting? Don’t your lips get tired of it at all? No? Well, some of us do.

 

  • You broke up, you’re together, you’re engaged, oopps, sorry, it was an inside joke. Giggle. You’re posting passive aggressive status updates, you’re whining about everything from how boring the day is to how long it took the barista to get you your coffee. Gah! With prospective employers now trolling the online world for dirt on applicants, you don’t want to mess your chances up by proving how fickle and indecisive you are. Worse, although everybody listens to the office drama queen {or king}, nobody really likes her {or him}. So don’t let on that you intend to fill that spot, along with the job opening you applied for.

 

  • Someone offended you so you take it online. Depending on whether the person is a “friend” or not, you’re either very direct or quite vague. But your status update is dripping with righteous indignation. Let me tell you something: it doesn’t change an iota until you find the backbone to deal with the issue directly. Yes, with the person who offended you. {The rest of us will just thank you for the cheap entertainment.}

 

  • I understand, it can be quite exciting when people actually like your status updates. And heaven forbid they post comments! Gasp! But if no one does, who cares? The question was, “What’s on your mind?” Not, “What can I say to make me popular today?” So quit deleting your updates when no one responds. I know, I’m a stalker, so I notice. Or maybe I just see a lot of your updates come up on my news feed, and later when I decide to give you a bit of attention, they’re gone. And if it happens a lot of times, people will notice. Even the ones who aren’t stalkers like me.

 

  • We all like to sound smart. That’s why we have Google. But you know what’s smarter? Attributing. Go ahead, feel free to borrow another person’s words and use them to impress people. Just make sure you admit someone else said it first.

 

  • I’m glad you had a great time at the club/party/event. I just don’t need a million shots of your version of a happy face, captured by a camera held too close and posted online for posterity. Really. I’ll believe just one. Or maybe two. Three, tops.

 

  • Aight. Sup. Jejeje. G’day. Rubbish! So you moved to a new city, country, culture. Or you’ve never left home, but you’ve got cable. Tsk. Tsk. Your accent, yup, that certain way you talk and pronounce words? They don’t disappear just like that. So don’t try too hard. Give it a month. Or maybe a year. Otherwise, you can choose to be proud of your heritage. And be yourself. Really, it’s not so bad. And just so you know, there’s good diction and enunciation. And then there’s over-the-top slang. And between the two lies a sea of difference. Don’t drown in that sea.

 

  • Your Facebook friends aren’t there to take your side in fights or disagreements. So don’t tell us why your boyfriend is the world’s biggest jerk, or why your parents will never understand you. And don’t pounce on every poor person who “likes” or comments. But then again, it’s their fault they did, so go ahead.

 

  • That odd mix of saccharine “Christian” posts and revealing immature life isn’t fooling anybody but you. And, you’re adding on to Christian stereotypes that hurt us all. Quit.

 

  • I don’t think Facebook requires perfect grammar. I don’t think it even minds the occasional misspelled word. But “you’re” and “your” mean two different things. Same with “its” and “it’s.” And “there” and “their.” Oh and don’t even think about getting all offended when someone points out an error. Take it as a free English lesson. Be grateful. After all, nobody is perfect. Really.

 

  • We get it, you think it’s just the computer and you. Nobody else is in the room. Well, reality check! Once you post it, it clutters up our news feeds, and just like that, everybody knows. So hit the cancel button more often than anything else.

 

  • You love God? Great! You aren’t ashamed to be a Christian? Wonderful! But if you would just take a bit of time to think about it, posting cut-and-paste quotes that supposedly prove your devotion don’t really mean a thing–except for the fact that you like jumping in bandwagons.

 

  • OMG! OMG! OMG! Seriously, your vocabulary needs a major overhaul. Starting now. OMG!

 

  • Re-creating your life online is as stupid as it is fleeting. And even if a lot of people appear to be happy for you, most of them can tell you’re making stuff up. So if you really want your life to be as awesome as you pretend it is, log off and do something about it. Which I’m about to do. TTFN.
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