I was cleaning out my inbox when I came across this email I sent to myself, dated 1-16-08:
“When there’s something you feel you should be doing, when there’s this thing lodged in your heart biding its time, every minute you spend not giving heed to it is like torture. But, as human nature goes, when you actually have the chance to do something about it, you find yourself putting it off. Because you’re scared. Because you’ve wanted this so badly all your life you don’t think you can take it if it doesn’t happen. So, I’ve dreamed of it all my life. I’ve put it off all my life. Sad how human nature can be so contrary…”
It’s amazing how the words I wrote three years ago come back to me now, at a time when I’m just about to pay heed to that specific dream I wrote about. It feels a bit scary, like some mysterious force is at play. It also tells me I’ve waited long enough.
See, I’ve had this idea for a project that I’ve always felt was laid on me to complete. But I’ve been sitting on the fence because I was afraid of the cost.
- I was afraid to spend money that I felt should stay in my savings account. After all, you never know when the rains will hit full force.
- I was afraid to invest time that I felt should be used doing something with a more obvious return. After all, time wasted can never be regained.
- I was afraid to start, because I might never reach the end. Or if I do, it may not be what I envisioned it to be. Sometimes it’s safer to dream from the safety of your bed.
But hubby has no such concerns. So he went and got the wheels turning for me. He saw I needed that extra push, and that unwavering support, to finally own my dream. And now I’m starting to get really excited, to plan and to act.
Isn’t it crazy how we can doubt ourselves so much? In my case, I use an excuse wrapped with church speak: “I don’t think it’s God’s will yet for me to do that. I’m waiting on His timing.” Many times, I choose to invoke a holy precursor to make it look like I know what I’m doing. Most times, it’s just an oft-repeated excuse that takes the pressure off me and puts the blame on God, making Him look like He’s dragging His feet on my account. See, I’ve learned that it’s easier to drown the resulting guilt I feel than to have to explain why I’m not doing anything.
What about you? Have you every felt this way too? Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, something you’ve put on the back burner for the longest time? Like me, it may be time for you to re-visit that dream, that hope, that plan.
I’ve a feeling the biggest obstacle to me achieving anything in this life is my own lazy self. I’m hoping I am proven right.